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"WHY DON'T MY PARENTS RATE ME?"

 

Time and time again, I meet driven and talented minority women, and their story is often the same – their parents don’t support them.

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Maybe this isn’t the case for all of us, but from my own personal experience and through people I’ve met, I’ve come to find that it’s an ongoing struggle for us to fully embrace our individuality because we are misunderstood by those closest to us. Because our parents found it so hard to be accepted within the societal sphere of their day when they immigrated, I feel as though they unknowingly perpetuate that same energy onto us.

 

Over the past three years or so, I have experienced alienation from my family. I have an older sister who has conformed to the cultural narrative that I feel my mum expects us all to adhere to. When I was younger, I was told to wear a headscarf, but like many other little rebels I would sneakily take it off before school or find quirky ways to turn my hijab into a fashion statement – as you do. I would find unbelievable excuses to stay at my friends’ house just so that I could do normal teenage things like go to house parties and chirps man in town on the weekend… seriously. I would spin yarn after yarn, knowing full well that these lies would eventually weigh down on me like a tonne of bricks. But all jokes aside, I realised from an early age that the life I wanted to live in order to be happy was vastly different to the path my parents had envisioned.

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"THE WORST OPPRESSION WE FACE COMES FROM THE OPPRESSED THEMSELVES"

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Like me, my friend of Turkish and French descent feels emotionally isolated from her family due to her pursuit of a career in music – something she lives, eats and breathes. For some reason, I feel that there is a common consensus among foreign parents that a career within the creative arts isn’t to be taken seriously. Growing up we are told that we can achieve anything and that success will follow with hard work, but are never actually told that the sky is most definitely the limit (especially if you’re not male, pale and stale). We were born into a generation where people of colour have formed a community that allows for our voices to be heard – and taken seriously –  yet the people we value the most continuously discredit our success. While we empathise with the hardship, misogyny and racism that our parents inevitably faced when they came to this country (and as many of us do DAILY), and fully understand that fear is a natural bi-product of adversity, it still feels as though the worst oppression we face comes from the oppressed themselves.

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"CREATIVE WONDER"

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I have a friend whose parents are Indian. Born in Camberwell, her mum and dad came to the UK to seek better opportunities and to raise a family. After being told to go to university and chase a dream far distant from her own, she finally (and literally) said FUHKKK THIS to the career she was being forced into and started focusing on her own happiness. She decided instead to reconnect with what she was truly passionate about and has recently created a clothing line that fuses traditional Indian designs with western urbanity. Her family on the other hand seem to sabotage every opportunity and accomplishment she takes on despite her new-found happiness and success. They often tell her that they didn’t come to this country so she could become a “dress maker” and that they “could have just left her in India”. On more than one occasion, her dad has physically destroyed her art, and has even gone as far as ransacking her work hours before an exhibition. Ironically, the traditions and ideologies that derive from her cultural heritage are both a stunt and an essential tool to her growing success. For many of us first generation minority women growing up in modern Britain (and from less privileged backgrounds in particular), this is the harsh reality of what it is to be born into a family whose foreign cultural customs cripple our creative wonder.

 

 

I’ve talked to so many of my friends who share the same cultural ground as me, and we all share the hard decision of whether we should distance ourselves, or try to seek validation from those that will never understand us. After all, we wouldn’t seek this ‘approval’ from anyone else, so why do we need it from them? It’s ingrained in us from early that nothing comes before family – blood is thicker than water – but at what point do we turn around and say, actually, it would be nice if you could broaden your perspective for once. When I say I was nurtured, encouraged and understood the most by my friends growing up, I’d be speaking on behalf of many young minority women. I had the privilege of growing up in Manchester in an inner-city town close to Moss Side, Longsight and Ardwick where diversity is the norm in my community. Even though I’m half Syrian half Irish, I found that I was never misunderstood by friends because they too were majority Muslim, or from bi racial/ ethnic minority families themselves. In the past, unattainable expectations placed on us by our families made it so that we were more inclined to detach ourselves from our culture and heritage. We automatically associated our culture with negativity because of this never-ending cycle of disapproval and cynicism – something I feel we should vocalise more often and communicate clearly how we feel in ways that they understand. About five years ago, I lied to my parents and told them I didn’t get into Manchester Uni just so that I could come to London and live my life freely. At first it was difficult, but now I feel as though my decision to accept our differences and distance myself has ultimately brought us closer.

 

Instead of trying to sever your ties with your family, find alternative ways to bridge the ideological gap. I understand more than anyone that it can be hard to reach a mutual place of understanding without getting frustrated when you feel as though your thoughts are more open-minded and less premeditated. For some like me, the challenge is ongoing, but never forget that your genetic fibre has shaped the person you are today – rebel or not. Instead of pushing reality to your blind spot, explore the idea that you may have more in common with your family than you think. My mum came to this country when she was seventeen and converted to Islam despite her devout Catholic upbringing – “do as I say and not as I do” she would say, which is super ironic and peppered with all sorts of hypocrisy. But when I embraced the core of her motivations as a teen instead of fighting back, it became easier for me to understand where I get my unapologetic personality from – something we could both relate to. Taking these steps and investigating the root of your genesis and discussing them with your parents can gradually blossom into mutual respect.

 

"CREATIVE ELECTRICITY"

 

Besides this, never let anyone try to short circuit your creative electricity. Always look for ways to transcend your limitations and know that there is a deeper strength inside of you that can manifest tenfold from your struggle. Be overzealous with your endeavours. Don’t allow people to make you feel as if you’re too emotional, too sentimental or too in your feelings when it comes to your creative expression. Take your experiences, good and bad, and transform them into valuable lessons to pass on to your children. Big yourself up, stay on track, and radiate that positive energy. Because in the end, whether you’re superstitious or not, it just so happens that whatever you give the universe is what you get back.

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